Funniest Shit I've seen in awhile

http://img97.imageshack.us/img97/7924/58kxi.jpg

Karma's a bitch!

Things that I'm thankful for....

Amazing people in my life. I woke up this morning to the following email in my inbox from one of my best guy friends...

"I love you more than you'll ever know. I'm so sorry for the ride home I never planned to drive home. I miss you Emily, so much. I'm glad I at least got a few minutes w/ you. You're my heart."

First of all, it just made me smile. That, along with last night him giving me the best compliment I think a person can hear...'You are one of the few people in my life that makes me truly happy' made me realize how fortunate I am to have him, along with so many other amazing friends and family in my life.

When bad things happen, and people aren't who they originally seem to be, it can be extremely easy to dwell on the negative. However this trip home has made me change my perspective from looking at all of the negative, and just realizing how truly lucky I am to have so many loyal and wonderful people in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving! :)

New Years Post from 2007

As usual, I was going through my old emails, postings, etc. and I found the note that I wrote at the end of 2007. Now anyone who knew me during 2007 knew that I went through a hell of a time. I moved from Boston to Florida to San Francisco. I had multiple jobs and went through the entire spectrum of emotions that I am capable of feeling: From complete and total rock bottom devastation to indescribable ecstasy (not in the creepy way). Anyway, I re-read the note and felt compelled to share cause it is one of the few things that I have ever written that I am really proud of and when I read it, it reminds me of how far I've come, all I have to be grateful for and how bad things were at one point. I would equate how I felt when I wrote it to being someone who is blindfolded trying to make their way through a maze, and at the end of the maze taking the blind fold off and seeing everything they just went through completely clearly. There is something very zen about the whole thing that I really enjoy. Anyway...

So there goes 2007 and I can't help but think about everything I've lost, learned, felt, experienced, and accomplished. I learned a lot more about life and myself this year than ever before. It is true that you don't know your true strength until you are forced to put it to the test, and I now know that I can handle far more than I ever thought I was capable of.

It's been a whirlwind of a year. Four different jobs, three different states, two major moves across the country later, I look back at the people that have come and gone in my life this year. There have been some major surprises, some were beyond amazing and some were devastatingly crushing. It's been the year of my highest highs and lowest lows. I've built new fantastic friendships and lost some people as well. I've been more betrayed than I ever have before in my life and I've also had the best thing that has ever happened to me come as a result of that.

Different states. Different states of mind. Changing jobs. Changing addresses. Changing friends. Changing lives and just changing. I'm constantly changing.

This year taught me I have a lot more to be thankful for than I ever realized before. My extremely supportive family, my friends that were there for me when I was at my own personal rock bottom…My blessings have been countless and I have become more of the person I really want to be, and it feels good. So much has happened this year, and I am so grateful for it all.

Thank you, 2007 for making me who I am. So here's to 2008 and all of the surprises, experiences, and lessons to come…I'm ready! :)

Hot Mess

So there is no feeling quite like learning about the events of your previous weekend through pictures posted on the internet. Due to the fact that last weekend, I apparently thought that I was a 300lb man and drank accordingly, I was able to experience this feeling first hand.

I woke up on Saturday morning after 'time traveling' a.k.a. blacking out and immediately texted my friend Priscilla to ask her to recap the events of the night. She was able to fill me in with some of the details but she had done her own fair share of time traveling as well and wasn't that much of a help. I said that I wished we had a camera following us around so we knew what we did, and then we agreed that in the future we would try to alternate our black outs so the next day we would be able to piece together the previous nights festivities.

Well fast forward a week and wish granted...

Priscilla texts me to let me know that the band we had gone to see had posted pictures that we were in on their website. Now I don't remember going to this particular bar in the first place, much less any behavior I might have been exhibiting there, so my immediate reaction was one of sheer terror. Priscilla emailed me the first a few pictures. Curiously in one of the pictures she sent to me, I appeared to have my arm around an unidentified young mans shoulder. I sent her a message.

"Uhh, did I make out with that guy that I'm in the picture with?"

"Yes!"

"I have no recollection of that. You didn't feel compelled to mention this to me before?"

Obviously after learning this new piece of information, I went on the website to try to find a picture of the guys face to see how thick my beer goggles were. Though I was unsuccessful in finding any picture that actually identified my suitor, I did stumble across one where we were mid-face suck in the back of it. Due to the nature of this whole debacle, i have temporarily given myself the nickname "Whorey McJustaskingforacoldsore".

I'd like to say I've learned my lessons but, hey, lets be serious, its Friday, I'm going to happy hour and I am incapable of learning my lessons the first time. And life is a lot more interesting because of it.

The best love letter I've ever gotten...

Living in a city where finding a decent guy is about as difficult as performing brain surgery...while high...in the dark, I find that I have a tendency to lower the bar that I set for men. It has less to do with wanting to meet a lower caliber of a guy and more to do with my incessant fear of that whole 'dying alone' thing. When the guys in this city continue to miss the exceptionally low bar that I have set for them, it is easy to get discouraged. After many a disastrous first date, I have come home frustrated, sworn myself to a life of celibacy and started to search online for my first cat.

However recently I was looking through old emails and I found something that for the first time gave me hope. This was a love letter from a guy that I went to high school with and stayed in touch with throughout college and after. Nothing did ever happen with him, which I regret, (especially considering my recent escapades with a guy who vomited in my bed, on my wall and on my floor on his 30th birthday. Oh yeah, 30 really is IS the new 20...) but going back and reading it does give me some hope that great guys do exist, and if I just keep my chin (and my standards) high, there may be some hope for us women after all...Enjoy!

Emily,

Your smile melts my heart. Just hearing your voices is like listening to angels sing. Your laughter is indescribable, while your eyes are deeper than the most beautiful sunset. Your skin glistens like the sea on a sunny afternoon. Your dark brown hair flows like the Nile, while your fragrance is as pleasant as a garden full of the finest roses. Your knowledge will take ages to fathom. Just being in your presence alone could bring a giant to his knees. Your lips must taste like the finest wines. Your love could enlighten the dullest day. If I ever drempt of you, arising would not be an option. I would stay in my dream forever. Your beauty and knowledge go hand in hand, they are both timeless.

Cause somedays I'm 5...

www.ThingsIdidlastnight.com

MySpace Intervention

Internet Party 2: An Intervention for MySpace -- powered by Cracked.com

Who says science nerds can't be bad asses?

The 6 Most Badass Stunts Ever pulled in the name of science

A few spectacular articles from the fine folks at Cracked.com

The ten creepiest Craigslist Casual Encounters

25 Secret Perks of Working at Google

30 Error Messages you NEVER want to see

My Brothers Blog Post

I wanted to include a copy of my brothers post. He recently started to blog and his blog is available to view at hardabs05.blogspot.com. Although the views represented in his blog in no way represent the views of my blog or anyone affiliated with my blog, I still think its pretty freakin' funny...Enjoy!

Getting Served by The Homeless

Ok, let me just start by saying I have no problem with most homeless people. I feel like a lot of them are just regular people who happened to catch a bad break or just smoke too much crack. With that being said, over the past two years I have lived in a neighborhood where asking residents for money has become more popular than catholic priests touching boys. Now, at first I felt the urge to spare a dollar or two when I had a spare on me. Although kind this quickly turned into a recipe for disaster. A hobo I use to give a dollar to here and there caught up with me one night as I was stumbling home from a local bar. "Ey man, Let me get a dollar!" the bum barks at me. Slightly inebriated with more than enough McDonalds to spare I told him I was out of cash and offered him one of the four Big Mac’s I had previously purchased. "I guess" the derelict says with rolled eyes. I give him the tasty sandwich and we part ways. I continue down the road feeling the delight from my random act of kindness interrupted by the force of a Big Mac lobbed at the back of my head like a Roger Clemens fastball. This followed by the phrase "F'I wanting McDonalds I would have bought it myself!". This led me to the conclusion he did not want money for food like he had previously led me to believe.

If you are homeless and need money for drugs just be honest about it. There is something that takes a person back when hearing the truth from a streetwalker and adds a sense of reality to a bum’s situation. If you say something like “you’re a single parent whose car broke down and you need money to fix the car so you can get your 3 month old baby in the car insulin for her diabetes” (actually heard this one- wasn’t true) in my head this translates into what kind of fucking dip shit dad leaves his baby with diabetes, in need of medical attention, alone in a hot broke down car while he goes to pan for money. Now, if I am told that you are addicted to PCP and you need money in order to pay your drug dealer so he won’t shank you at the Greyhound Station later that is more believable and I will kindly offer you money for your troubles. People like being told the truth and that’s all there is too it.

Continuing on, during a later incident my roommates and I are moving out of our place towards another poverty rich sanctuary. We take all of the items we don’t need and place them on a curb outside in thoughts that this would be far more beneficial to the homeless than that bullshit Goodwill has ever been. We then proceed to sit back and watch the show. It was a treat. I witnessed a bum move one of our discarded suit jackets in order to work his was to through the pile of junk to a half empty 7-month-old bottle of wine that he happily chugged to the last drop. Isn’t that ironic. Don’t you think?

Next, a man picked at our leftover shit for over an hour until he eventually developed the audacity to come up to the house (wreaking of hooker spit) and ask if we have anything better? Apparently are stuff wasn’t good enough for the standard of living he set forth for himself on the streets. He felt that based on the looks of our inferior income bracket he would search his options for something better. Basically, we “got served” by a homeless dude. I hope that hobo eventually found what he was looking for…or died of AIDS.


Anyways overtime I have developed a theory of how to wart of the homeless attempts of making easy cash. It is my belief that no one enjoys the bothersome nuisance of being asked for money. Since this is the case, upon making eye contact with homeless personnel on the street quickly dart up to them and ask for a dollar. They will be so taken back by this approach that by the time they realized what happened you will be miles down the road without feeling an ounce of remorse for the bum you snuffed. Try this it has worked wonders for me and will hopefully do the same for you.

The Amazing Fact Generator!!!

Fun for anyone who loves useless random trivia!

Amazing Fact Generator

Happy Valentines Day???

The Best Page in the Universe...

I've been reading these posts for a few years now and I've always thought they were hysterical. Just thought I would share a few of my personal favorites with everyone. Enjoy!

Maddox on Women's Fashion...

Maddox on Women's Idea of What the Perfect Guy Would Do...

Maddox on Childrens Artwork...

Christie Walker is AWESOME!!!

This post has only one real purpose...to tell everyone what a BIG BAG OF AWESOME Christie Walker is. Her hair flows like the Nile...listening to her voice is like hearing angels sing...If I ever dreamed of her, awaking would not be an option...I would stay in my dream forever. This one's for you, buddy! 'Das Boot' and 'HINGE' forever!

If you've ever hated your name...

Check out the 10 most unfortunately named people on the internet...http://www.yuppiepunk.org/2007/07/the-10-most-unfortunately-named-people-on-the-internets.html

The best film analysis for 'American Psycho' that I have ever read...

http://www.cinephiles.net/American_Psycho/Cinephiles-Gate.html

To anyone that has watched this movie, you know it ends with quite a bit of ambiguity. This film analysis offers some solid suggested answers for the questions left at the end. Enjoy!

Just a fantastic article

http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/10164